A
reader emailed me with a question: "You give points on being a good
listener. I try, but I find myself at times interrupting because I'm so afraid
I'm going to forget what I have to say. I've been told to keep a pen and paper
handy to jot down what I want to say once the speaker has finished.
However, for simple one on one conversations or small group
discussions, this isn't always practical. Any other suggestions??"
This
is a common issue that many of us face. Here are my suggestions:
First,
let it be all about the other person.
What is more important - what you have to say or what the other person
is saying? I'm tempted to answer, "what I have to say is more important
(of course)." But is it really?
What
if each of us focused on truly understanding what other people are saying
without worrying about having to respond? What if we tuned into their words and
non-verbal communications and the feelings behind them? I think we would have a
communication revolution.
I
can hear the skeptics now – "if I just listen and don't interrupt, then
people will go on and on." Yes, that may be true for some people, but for
many others, just the respect of being listened to will cause them to talk
less. If they know people are really
paying attention, they will be more careful about the quality of what they are
saying. And remember, listening does not
necessarily mean that you agree.
Now
there may be times when just listening is not enough; for example, during a job
interview or a meeting at work, where you are expected to say something
intelligent. In those situations, jotting down quick notes to yourself can be
helpful, but that may not be practical because you're standing up, you have
your hands full (at a social event, for example) or for some other reason.
In
those situations, preparation is important. Think about what topics likely will
come up and which questions you'll be asked.
Then practice delivering a response.
Actually say the words out loud, so you get comfortable saying them in
different ways. For example, at a job
interview, you know you will most likely be asked, "Tell me about
yourself." At a project status
meeting, you will have to explain any delays or cost overruns. At a meeting with a potential vendor, you
will need to respond to their capabilities presentation. At a social event, the economy and politics
are likely topics.
This
preparation will help you with 90-95% of the situations you'll find yourself
in. Yes, there will always be a random
question, statement or topic that you'd like to respond to and in those cases,
you'll have to improvise, but that will be the exception rather than the rule.
The more you prepare and practice, the less you have to worry about forgetting
what you want to say and the more you can focus on listening and not
interrupting.
© Gilda Bonanno LLC - Gilda Bonanno serves as a
trusted advisor to executives and entrepreneurs to transform their
communication, presentation and leadership skills. She has worked with companies on 4
continents, from Chicago to Shanghai and Rio to Rome. The instructional videos on her YouTube
channel have received over 2 million views and her e-newsletter has reached
subscribers in over 45 countries since 2008.
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