A
class participant emailed me with a question: "What if you find
yourself in a discussion with quite a few people at a social gathering
and you have an important point to make, but feel intimidated by those
around you? I find I get all tongue twisted and the words do not come out the
way I had planned." Here are my suggestions:
- Think about WHY you
feel intimidated – it gets back to fear and self-confidence.FIRST, you have to believe that you have something to say that is worth listening to – do you believe it? What do you tell yourself before you open your mouth to speak to them – “wow, they’re so smart/experienced/articulate, they’re never going to listen to me” or “I have something to contribute to this discussion and this group will benefit from listening to me”?
- What is your goal in
making your point? Do you want to convince them, or just contribute to the
conversation, or speak up for what you believe in even if no one else changes
their mind?
- Think about your message. Can you boil it down to one short sentence
with a few points to back it up? Getting to the point quickly will help you
keep their attention.
- Deliver your message
with confidence. Wait for a slight break
in the conversation and then jump in.
Speak in a voice that is loud enough for everyone to hear, speak
confidently and make eye contact with people in the group (smile if
appropriate). Be mindful of the message
you are sending with your body language; it should match your words and your
intention. So, for example, a confident
person will stand up straight with shoulders back and head up, while someone
who is less confident will slump their shoulders and avoid eye contact.
- Even though you may not
be able to practice at home for the exact social situation and conversation,
you can practice speaking concisely and confidently about topics that you want
to discuss in social situations. For
example, if you usually go to events where there are a lot of teachers, you
might want to discuss educational reform or how to handle a specific classroom
problem. So when you have free time at
home, or in the car, you can practice stating your opinion or relating a
relevant anecdote. Practice saying the
words out loud, so you get used to how they sound and are less likely to get
tongue-twisted.
· Take one step at a time. Before you decide to make a very
controversial point in front of a group of 15 lawyers, try speaking up about
something a little easier to a smaller, less intimidating group. As you experience success one step at a time,
you will build your confidence.